The Misanthrope Visits the Fort Wayne Children's Zoo

Where:  

Fort Wayne Children's Zoo

Fort Wayne, IN

One of the country's best zoos for families and people who don't want to deal with ludicrous crowds

Northern Indiana is not known for its thriving culture or thrilling attractions. One of the major reasons my wife and I left the state was because of the mind-numbing wasteland it becomes in the winter, and the summer isn't much better for those not interested in outdoor sports. There's definitely still things to see and do, but it often requires looking a little deeper or searching a little further.

While not as well-known as any attractions in Central Florida, the Fort Wayne Children's Zoo is also far better than just a hidden gem. It's one of the few genuine bright spots of the region, a moderately sized zoological park that still features a strong selection of animals and a constant drive to improve facilities. When I lived in Indiana, an annual membership was a necessity. I was determined to make a long awaited return to the zoo during my recent trip back to Indiana.

The Misanthrope's Guide to Star Tours: The Adventure Continues

Part of the Misanthrope's Guide to Disney World, a series of posts on surviving the theme parks for people who hate people. The main guide page can be found here, with links to previous posts.

While rides based on movies can be found in every Disney park, Hollywood Studios is the theme park dedicated to cinema in all its forms. Attractions themed to classic films and television shows, and in the case of the American Idol Experience, not so classic tv shows, form many of the key experiences. While Disney only recently purchased George Lucas's legacy of films, Hollywood Studios has long hosted one of the original Star Wars rides.

 Star Tours was a state of the art simulator ride when it opened in the 80s, featuring technology previously used to train fighter pilots. It remained a popular thrill ride for years, but the experience felt increasingly dated. Promised film updates never materialized, and simulators became so common that they could be found in shopping malls. Even the release of the Star Wars prequels did not inspire an attraction update, though that may have saved the world from Jar Jar Binks appearing alongside Mickey Mouse.

The Misanthrope's Guide to the 2014 Epcot Flower and Garden Festival

 Part of the Misanthrope's Guide to Disney World, a series of posts on surviving the theme parks for people who hate people. The main guide page can be found here, with links to previous posts.

Spring is a wonderful time in Florida. The weather is the perfect temperature, the summer storms have yet to arrive, and tourists only appear in sporadic bursts rather than a constant torrent. The birds are chirping, the rabbits are multiplying like rabbits, and Epcot's annual Flower and Garden Festival returns for yet another year. Like Spring itself, it's pretty much the same as last year, but it's definitely a welcome return.

The Epcot International Flower and Garden Festival, for those who haven't read my previous articles on it, is a two month long celebration of flora and vegetation, along with the occasional sniff of industrial strength fertilizer. Traditionally, it's been the less attended of Epcot's major festivals, since staring at vibrant flowers has less general appeal than getting plastered on wine or seeing a dizzying array of international Santas. For a nature loving misanthrope, however, it's always been wonderful, as the non-Spring Break crowds were dead and the park came alive with vibrant colors.

The Misanthrope's Guide to Proper Disney World Parking

Part of the Misanthrope's Guide to Disney World, a series of posts on surviving the theme parks for people who hate people. The main guide page can be found here, with links to previous posts.

Parking in theme parks is often one of the most miserable parts of the day. In the morning, it's the arduous, overwhelming hassle that bleary eyed visitors must undertake before they are truly awake. In the evening, it's the last obstacle for exhausted tourists as they fight alternating weariness and rage as they sit in unmoving traffic.

Having acquired excessive land and foreseeing the potential nightmares, Disney designed parking lots with minimal hassles and maximum capacity in mind. Parking areas are massive, flow through multiple entrances into carefully guided spots, and enter from and exit directly to major roads. Everything is designed to minimize the likelihood of traffic jams and remove most of the hassles that make the beginning and end of the day so painful.

Unfortunately, Disney forgot one thing when they planned this perfect parking solution. They failed to account for the fact that many of the people parking their cars every day are inconsiderate, reckless buffoons. Unless a mandatory driving class is required before using the parking lots, there is most likely no way to eliminate the problem of bad motorists. However, these guidelines may help alleviate a few cases of theme park road rage.

The Misanthrope's Guide to Epcot's Gran Fiesta Tour

Part of the Misanthrope's Guide to Disney World, a series of posts on surviving the theme parks for people who hate people. The main guide page can be found here, with links to previous posts.

World Showcase is the true heart of Epcot, and the Mexico Pavilion is one of World Showcase's most stunning countries. Fronted by a giant facade that resembles an Aztec temple, the entire experience is housed inside. A small museum of Mexican culture and history provides the entry into the greater pavilion, a perpetually moonlit courtyard buzzing with life. Street vendors sell numerous wares, nearby stores entice customers with pricier goods, and a tequila bar tempts the thirsty. A romantic restaurant sits along the water that flows past another ancient temple, with a volcano looming in the distance.

Hidden in the back of the pavilion is one of World Showcase's only two rides, three if you count transportation boats. The Gran Fiesta Tour Starring the Three Caballeros has one of the longest names of any Disney attraction, but that's not the only thing that makes it unique. This is a dark ride, tourism film, and animated adventure all viewed from a slow moving boat. It's not the best or most exciting ride, but it's one of the most random.

The Misanthrope's Guide to Dark Ride Etiquette

 

Part of the Misanthrope's Guide to Disney World, a series of posts on surviving the theme parks for people who hate people. The main guide page can be found here, with links to previous posts.

Of everything Imagineers and the Disney Parks have contributed to the world, the continuing advancement, and even perfection, of the dark ride is one of most important. Dark rides originated as simple Tunnels of Love, mostly pitch black boat rides with occasional cheap scenes, mostly intended as a way for couples to share some intimate moments in the dark. These days, most couples don't bother waiting for the dark to show their extreme affection in theme parks, so those rides would be pointless.

Other early rides, specifically those manufactured by the Pretzel Amusement Ride Company, were created for cheap scares. These rides featured vehicles which raced through darkened buildings, utilizing flashing lights, spooky props, crude animation, and loud noises to startle guests. Most of these craftsmen were near magicians, creating scenes on a budget that made a huge impression, even if the technology wasn't amazing. Unfortunately, most of these old rides have closed over the years. Similar attractions in county fairs are pale imitations, with the people operating the rides often more unsettling than the ride itself.

Like many other theme park standards, Disney took the basic dark ride concepts and added new levels of theming and quality. Other rides were only mildly improved by the additional care. Spinning tea cups still spin the riders and induce vomiting, no matter how pretty they look while doing it. Dark rides were always a visual medium, however, and Imagineers used the form to create new levels of storytelling and scene setting. They perfected a new art form, one based on engineering and design on a grand scale.

All of this history is just set up for the number one principle of Disney dark rides: violating the experience is like destroying a masterwork. To ruin Haunted Mansion or Spaceship Earth for others is only a few steps removed from burning the Mona Lisa. Unfortunately, those that lack Dark Ride etiquette usually get away unscathed, while destroying great art probably gets you locked forever in the Louvre's secret dungeon. The following rules are still worth following, just in case they begin locking rude tourists in the Pirates of the Caribbean jail cells.

The Misanthrope's Guide to Pirates of the Caribbean

Part of the Misanthrope's Guide to Disney World, a series of posts on surviving the theme parks for people who hate people. The main guide page can be found here, with links to previous posts.

Pirates of the Caribbean is one of the marquee dark rides of any Disney Park, the kind of attraction that is timeless in its design. One of the last projects personally overseen by Walt Disney, it's a wonderful culmination of all the Imagineering skills, fusing impressive at the time technology with movie quality set design and an amazingly efficient ride system. It's the theme park equivalent of a master work, something that should be witnessed in person to take in its beauty. Unfortunately, that Pirates of the Caribbean is at Disneyland, and we're talking about Disney World.

When the Magic Kingdom opened, Pirates was notably missing from the available attractions. The logic was that since Floridians lived in a place once frequented by pirates, they would be bored by an attraction featuring them. This same logic was not applied when Disney designed a park in California about California a few decades later, but I digress. Visitors complained about the missing ride, so Disney cancelled ambitious, unique additions like the Western River Expedition and rushed construction of Pirates of the Caribbean.

The resulting experience was still a good ride, but lacking in comparison to longer, more detailed versions in other parks. Scenes are missing or shorter, there are fewer drops, and the entire experience feels rushed. Once the Pirates of the Caribbean movie became a surprise blockbuster franchise, Disney saw an opportunity to give the Florida attraction some unique elements while also appeasing fans of the films. While most rides received some of the movie characters as additions, the Magic Kingdom version includes additions and content from almost every iteration of the franchise.

The Misanthrope's Guide to Polite Disney World Behaviour

 

Part of the Misanthrope's Guide to Disney World, a series of posts on surviving the theme parks for people who hate people. The guide page can be found here, as well as some previous posts.

When hearing of the many problems massive crowds cause at Disney World, the natural solution seems to be visit at less busy times of the year. There are a few flaws with this plan. For one, "less busy" for Disney World is often just another point on the spectrum of ludicrously overwhelmed with humanity. The second flaw is that the massive crowds are only half of the people problem, it's how the individuals within that crowd behave that causes the majority of issues.

Something about the theme park experience turns relatively decent people into loud, obnoxious, selfish, sociopathic, boorish twits. Whether it's the heat, the mob mentality, or the emptying wallets, something causes certain guests to abandon all manners and decency once they walk off the monorail. Unfortunately, there's no way to change the majority of tourist behavior. However, a good misanthrope can at least follow some common sense rules to make the Disney World experience easier for others, and maybe they'll reciprocate in turn. They probably won't, but hope springs eternal.

What follows are some basic guidelines for polite behavior at Disney World. This isn't an exhaustive list by any means, but a good starting point of things to consider.

1. Don't Walk Six Across

Paths at Disney parks are often extremely wide, paved to allow people to walk both directions in large numbers. It doesn't matter the size of path, however, because at some point an entire group will decide to walk next to each other. If the path is 5 people wide, they will walk 5 across. If its 10 people wide, they will somehow conjure 5 more people out of the ether to fill it.

2. Don't Stop to Imitate the Snail

This is a corollary to the previous rule, as these two problems are most egregious when combined. Already blocking most of the path, many groups will proceed to walk at a pace best left to the mighty Galapagos tortoise. Worse, they randomly stop to adjust a stroller or examine a map, causing the crowd behind them to collide in a sweaty pile-up.

Sometimes you have to stop, and sometimes you can't walk that fast. If either is the case, however, please step to the side and let the masses pass. You'll keep traffic moving, and you'll avoid someone deliberately trodding on the back of your heels.

3. Don't Act Like You're in a Playground (Unless You Actually Are in a Playground)

In recent years, Disney has attempted to alleviate the more boring aspects of the theme park day. They added interactive games and activities to many of the attraction lines, and started providing permanent and temporary playgrounds at spots where children might have to wait. It's a brilliant idea that does seem to make guests happier, but it has unfortunately not eliminated a certain kind of misbehavior, and may be accidentally encouraging it.

Many guests have taken to playing with, pulling on, and attempting to destroy every piece of prop or theming within in reach. For example, in the Pirates of the Caribbean queue they will rattle chains, try to pry fake weapons from the wall, and climb on top of giant barrels. This usually creates unnecessary noise, bothers other people in line, and sometimes literally destroys part of the theme park.

It doesn't require much awareness to understand what should and shouldn't be manipulated or climbed. If it looks like a playground, or if there are clear instructions to monkey about the place, then feel free to play with things. However, don't assume everything on the wall is meant to be grabbed, and actually read the signs that say "don't climb."

4. Don't Shout in the Ears of Others

Sometimes theme parks can get loud. Large amounts of people talking at once, rides blaring thematic music, and general hustle and bustle combine into a cacophony that can drown out all but the most focused of thoughts. The natural reaction to all that noise is to talk louder, and louder, and louder, so that you can be heard over the cacophony.

When you feel like talking louder, stop and think about where you are. If you're in the open air, make sure you're not shouting directly into some bystander's ear drum. If you are in a line, make sure you're not just raising the overall noise level for a pointless comment. If you're watching a show, pre-show, or are on a ride, just shut your mouth, keep it closed, and enjoy the experience. Everyone came there to hear the attraction, not your annoying blather or witless comments about what is happening.

5. Don't Forget Your Children

There could be multiple articles written about bad parenting at theme parks. However, many problems are caused by parents forgetting to keep an eye on their children. Many a child has disrupted crowds and caused hazards, to themselves or others, while their parent walks away. Occasionally little ones get away, but whenever possible it's best to keep them in view, for their safety and others sanity.

 

6. Don't Cut the Line

If there ever is a set of theme park commandments etched into stone, this should be number one on that list, even though it's number six here. Line cutting is something that most everyone knows is wrong in some way. However, there are still people that do it without realizing. Some guests will use the bathroom, then cut ahead to their group. Some groups will do the opposite, and have one person stand in line so that a large amount of people can avoid the wait. Of course, there are also those useless wastes of oxygen who will blatantly cut the line even though they know it is wrong.

Simply put, don't cut the line. It makes you a terrible person. Don't be a terrible person.

7. Don't be Rude to Cast Members

The Cast Members of Disney World are some of the greatest employees in the world. While some are just doing a job, many see themselves as integral parts of the magic creating experience. These tireless individuals always smile, try to make every interaction special, and literally or figuratively perform their roles like stars.

Of course, this means that guests often treat the Cast Members like dirt. Not just dirt, but filthy, radioactive, putrid muck. These ruthless individuals will shout demands, expect ridiculous results, and refuse to listen to reason. To these people, Cast Members are unworthy servants that should grovel at guests' feet.

Be nice to the Cast Members. Only through their enthusiasm and efforts can the theme park experience exist. Unless you want to pop your own popcorn, run your own rides, and clean up your own mess, you need them there doing their job. Crushing a Cast Member's spirit is like kicking a puppy.

These have been some basic guidelines for Disney World behavior. Please be a good misanthrope and follow them, and maybe you'll restore someone else's faith in humanity.

The Misanthrope's Guide to Disney World: The Best Parks for Avoiding People

Part of the Misanthrope's Guide to Disney World, a series of posts on surviving the theme parks for people who hate people. The guide page can be found here.

All Disney World theme parks are not created equal. They were all formed under different circumstances, shaped with different goals, and have received varying levels of care and neglect over the years. Most rankings of the four theme parks focus on aspects like the amount of rides offered, the number of attractions that qualify as "E-Tickets" (world famous rides, essentially), or just generally how busy you can remain.

These qualifications are generally useless for my purposes. From a misanthrope's point of view, more attractions designed to attract the masses is a negative. For our purposes, the most important factor is how easy is it to enjoy and explore a theme park while also being able to escape from other people. When the tourists, tour groups, and terrors grow to strong, there has to be somewhere to find peace, quiet, and harmony. At the very least, whatever passes for peace, quiet, and harmony in Disney World. Here are the theme parks ranked from best to worst for avoiding people.

The Misanthrope's Guide to Disney World

Fourth of July at Magic Kingdom

Part of the Misanthrope's Guide to Disney World, a series of posts on surviving the theme parks for people who hate people. The guide page can be found here.

  "Court and town furnish me with nothing but occasions to stoke my fury. It fills me with black depression and reduces me to utter despair to see men living as they do. I meet with nothing but base flattery, injustice, selfishness, treachery, villainy everywhere. I can't stand it any more. It infuriates me."- Alceste in Moliere's The Misanthrope

"The only people who can be excused for unleashing a bad book on the world are the poor devils who have to write for a living."- Alceste again

There's an odd divide that seems to exist within adult fans of the Disney company, and specifically those that attend the Walt Disney World theme parks. On one side are the eternal optimists, excited for any aspect of the world of Disney, always ready to embrace the new and unworried about the little problems. The other side are the pessimists, who don't see little problems, but glaring, growing flaws and issues that will consume the entire company and its magic.

Guides to Disney World often feel like they are addressing either of these sides. Some of these books, especially the official guides, seem to function only to tell you what's more amazing than everything else that is just somewhat amazing. Other guide books operate the other end of the spectrum, in a cynical universe where the theme park experience is a gauntlet to be endured, less a vacation and more a death march with lots of costumed characters along the way.